And you can't bite the nurses

At least not if they don't want you too.

Several days on morning rounds, a nurse of one of my patients asked me the seemingly innocent question:
"Is Mr. So And So usually appropriate?"

I have been around the hospital way too long to do anything but cut to the chase with inquiries such as these.

"What did he do?"

"I was leaning over to change his IV," says the extremely well endowed nurse, "And he started trying to bite my breast saying something like I want it in my mouth." (She does this while demonstrating his chomping motion) She went on, "The weirdest part is his wife was right there."

I march into the room purposely ready to chastise him for his disturbing behavior and as soon as I get close enough to his bed to be in touching distance he reaches towards me and tries to rub my arm, leg, hand.

After a brief yet stern talk in front of his wife who just sat there with one of the best poker faces I have ever witnessed, he said, "I am in the hospital, I can do whatever I want and blame it on the meds."

I saw it as a waste of time to inform him that he hadn't had any of those type of "meds" in over 3 days.