And you can't bite the nurses

At least not if they don't want you too.

Several days on morning rounds, a nurse of one of my patients asked me the seemingly innocent question:
"Is Mr. So And So usually appropriate?"

I have been around the hospital way too long to do anything but cut to the chase with inquiries such as these.

"What did he do?"

"I was leaning over to change his IV," says the extremely well endowed nurse, "And he started trying to bite my breast saying something like I want it in my mouth." (She does this while demonstrating his chomping motion) She went on, "The weirdest part is his wife was right there."

I march into the room purposely ready to chastise him for his disturbing behavior and as soon as I get close enough to his bed to be in touching distance he reaches towards me and tries to rub my arm, leg, hand.

After a brief yet stern talk in front of his wife who just sat there with one of the best poker faces I have ever witnessed, he said, "I am in the hospital, I can do whatever I want and blame it on the meds."

I saw it as a waste of time to inform him that he hadn't had any of those type of "meds" in over 3 days.

The Gypsy Hospital Experience

Occasionally people refuse to leave the hospital. Ok more than occasionally. It happens all the time. Our most recent refusal came from a patient's wife saying that she felt uncomfortable taking him home even though he was more than ready to go.
It is times like this you have to evaluate the situation and make a decision as to whether to allow the patient to stay (not preferable due to limited resources) or take a stand and push the discharge. This particular guy was more than fine so we decided to push.
During this effort the wife actually took out a blood pressure cuff and started measuring her own blood pressure claiming that she was being stressed out. She then took the opportunity to call patient relations, who arrived promptly with their customary smile and clipboard.
Simultaneously with their arrival it was discovered that the patient pantry on their floor was completely empty and a call was made to restock. Hours later the pantry would be found to be empty again.
On Patient Relations second visit they noticed several full bags. On closer inspection apparently our patient and his family really enjoy graham crackers, pudding, orange jello, small cups of a variety of juice and Shasta by the duffle bag if you will.
After withdrawing their official complaint, they quickly agreed to head home.

There is a less than 5% chance of robot attack during your procedure

Patient: I am not sure I want that robotic surgery.
Me: Why not?
Patient: My next-door neighbor had it and the robot went crazy during surgery and attacked him. He was tangled up in it for hours.
Me: Sir, that is not possible.
Patient: How do you know? You don't know what that robot is thinking.